"Michael says our first adventure is going to be obtaining an army of monkeys which we can use to attack our future foes." - Brian
"What, are you saying there are no gnome locals? It was the highest percentage of demihuman population. You sizist bastard." - Jeff
"I think you're being anti-sizist Michael. I mean, we shorties should be accepted on our merits and frankly, the main way to get acceptance is to go out in the world in our shortness and demand it from the tallies! GWH baby! We deserve the same rights as the tallies! And stepstools!" - Vivian
"DIE!!" - Michael to his players (most likely to Brian specifically)
Aidan (Joe): "Was she a harpy... Or a lamia?" Adrian (Michael): "What's a lamia?" Aidan (Joe): "About five pounds." 2005-09-11
"My, those sisters are pretty." - Aidan (Joe), on the Telemmaite "sisters" 2005-09-11
"Granted, I live in a cave, but when I travel outside..." - Aidan (Joe) 2005-09-11
"I don't like wearing shoes. I don't like wearing clothes some days." - Rassi (Vivian) 2005-09-11
Verana (Katie): "Our men don't grow beards." Aidan (Joe): "That explains why I've never seen an elf man." 2005-09-11
Androgeny Inc. - Suggested party name by Alan 2005-09-11
Three meatbags and the awesome robot. - Suggested party name by Joe 2005-09-11
Three hot chicks and three dudes. - Suggested party name by Vivian 2005-09-11
The cheese weasels. - Suggested party name by Vivian 2005-09-11
The nuclear wessels. - Suggested party name by Joe 2005-09-11
Flaming Fisties. - Suggested party name by Alan 2005-09-11
Flaming Queens. - Suggested party name by Joe 2005-09-11
Falafel's Army. - Suggested party name by Katie 2005-09-11
"I can't read. I just realized." - Barbarian Rassi (Viv) 2005-09-11
"I'll destroy you!" - GM, after an extended discussion on the improbability of Cauldron having a printing press. 2005-09-11
Alan: "Is the CSI here?" Jeff: "Are they done swabbing for semen?" 2005-09-11
"Being on the second floor makes it unlikely that they came in through tunnels." - Aidan (Joe) 2005-09-11
A child (Michael) recounting a story told by Patch the Half-Orc: "...and the princess runs away from the dragon." Alan: "And then she had a make-out session with a half-orc." 2005-09-11
"Maybe it was someone beating up a skeleton with a ham hock." - Jeff 2005-09-11
"Why would I need light? To see color?" - Aidan (Joe) 2005-09-11
"Personally, as a player who thinks about gnomes, I wouldn't trust a gnome who felt the need to deny his heritage by the use of stilts. He clearly is an agent of a dark and sinister plot of some kind." - Jeff, by email 2005-09-13
"Trying to disprove Seton's 14th law of arcane pyrodymanics by applying Ottoluk's theorem of non-conjoined thaumaturgic vectors to Malgrum's system of inter-evocative hermetic harmonic resonance." - Jeff on Kyrin's hobby 2005-09-15
"You're always the shirtless guy, Alan." - Katie 2005-09-18
"I for one welcome our gnomish masters." - Jeff 2005-09-18
"I'm doing well, Talking Chest." - Maeglin (Brian) 2005-09-18
"I ate some adventurers once, and they had rations, and it was like a chewy center." - One the Mimic (GM) 2005-09-18
"By that logic we could find some old ladies with gold upstairs and kill them." - Aidan (Joe) 2005-09-18
"It's a sex device for pixies. That's what I think." - Joe, on a music box. 2005-09-18
"It's too gay to be real." - Joe, on the illusory play in Jzadirune. 2005-09-18
Katie: "Alan never wears his hair that short." Joe: "Or that bald." 2005-09-18
Verana (Katie): "I'm guessing if she charges something and it's a little girl, she won't hit it." Rassi (Vivian): "I'll hit it with the flat of my blade." 2005-09-18
"If your character becomes a girl again... Endor?" - Joe, getting distracted. 2005-09-18
"Thanks, comedy juice" - Joe referring to his rum and Red Fusion 2005-09-18
"Skin the skulks, steal the ladder!" - GM objecting to the looting of the dungeon 2005-09-18
"The wearboar is ravaging the woman..." - GM, adlibing part of an illusionary play 2005-09-18
"Rats can jump out and jump in your pants, and they're very hard to get out." -- Kyrin (Jeff) 2005-10-02
"Baboons aren't monkeys. Baboons aren't cute." -- Brian 2005-10-02
"That reminds me of the ancient fertility rite of my tribe where you get really messed on the shrooms, then there are the drums..." - Rassi (Viv) 2005-10-02
Joe: "Can I make a healing check to determine cause of death?" Michael "Stabination, Joe. Stabination." 2005-10-02
"I think it's hilarious that the average lifespan of things you've encountered is two rounds." - Michael 2005-10-02
"Can we change the month name to Goblin Poon?" - Joe 2005-10-02
Joe: "Why would you make a comb out of gold?" Michael: "Because you're a ponce." 2005-10-02
Jeff: "Wow, we can spell Jedi." Joe: "Let's do it." 2005-10-02
Viv: "Why are Bugles so tasty?" Jeff: "Because there are little trumpeters in every bite." 2005-10-02
"We got some issues here man. We got some fucking issues." - Rassi (Viv) to Jenya 2005-10-02
"That's like giving someone piss-water and calling it beer." - Rassi (Viv) 2005-10-02
Joe: "Are you going to rob Cuthbert?" Katie: "No. Because it's too hard." 2005-10-02
"Wash kills Dumbledore." - Joe, spoiling both Harry Potter and Serenity 2005-10-02
"It's The Vanishing, or as I like to call it, Gone-orrhea" - Joe 2005-10-02
"Not checking for traps, because trapping a secret door is something only a jerk would do." - Joe 2005-10-02
"I don't want to go down a level. I just went up a level." - Alan 2005-10-02
"Yay! Plus two to attack!" - Joe, on fighting hobgoblins 2005-10-02
"Please train guards. Love, the adventurers." - Alan 2005-10-02
Michael: "Malachite Fortress is mo betta." Brian: "Will I get magic armor and a magic weapon?" Michael: "you'll get a monkey or six" - a conversation via IM on 2005-10-06
Michael: "oh, come on, admit it: you didn't expect the spanish beholder invasion." - a converation via IM on 2005-10-09
"Bling out the digger! Bling out the digger for Dig Dug madness!" - Jeff 2005-10-09
"We retreat to the surface and we cry." - Alan 2005-10-09
"Cower in the name of... umm... nobody." - Aidan (Joe) attempting to turn an elemental, realizing he biffed his roll. 2005-10-09
"The Greeks didn't have a C-H sound, they only had a K sound. They had a K sound with spit in it and a K sound without spit in it." - Joe 2005-10-09
"She's backstory. What are you talking about?" - Joe, on Filia Sturmgard 2005-10-09
"We'll sneak around the back and kill them in their sleep. I can't think of a more Lawful Good plan." - Alan 2005-10-09
"There's dried semen on the rug. That's how good your search check was." - Michael 2005-10-09
"I walk up to one, wave hi, and kill it" - Vivian 2005-10-09
"You're an idiot. You're seven idiots." - Aidan (Joe), to Gryffon Malek, on his plans to move to the Underdark 2005-10-09
Jeff: "What's a durzagon?" Joe: "About five pounds!" 2005-10-09
"May the blessing of Obad-hai give us courage and a slightly improve our hand-eye coordination." - Aidan (Joe) 2005-10-09
"OSHITI'MLOWONHEALINGANDABEHOLDERJUSTTELEPORTEDINTOTHEROOMWHATDOWEDO?" - Joe by email 2005-10-10
"Also, in the rest of the Malachite Fortress there are probably more gobbos with juicy XP in them that we need to crack open and drink." - Joe by email 2005-10-12
"I'll kill you all." - the GM 2005-10-09
"I love you sweetie. Go to hell." - GM to his wife 2005-10-09
"YES!" - GM with bulging forehead vein. 2005-10-09
"Can we LARP this? Michael, do you have a beholder costume?" - Joe 2005-10-16
"I am high on Dayquil, and you can shut the fuck up." Michael 2005-10-16
"I like D&D because racism gives you bonuses." - Joe 2005-10-16
"This bothers people? This was field trips for me." - Kyrin (Jeff), on the children witnessing violence 2005-10-16
Maeglin (Brian): "If the kids tell you anything that has happened to them—" Alan chokes on his drink. Brian: "You dirty man!" Alan: "'Yeah, anything they say is all lies.'" 2005-10-16
"I'll hit you with the book" - the GM after the party realized that the fire beetles in the lanterns were still worth XP 2005-10-16
"They are sooo dumb" - GM speaking of his players 2005-10-16
"I'm on the dayquil." - GM who has a serious dayquil problem 2005-10-16
"Anything that is not nailed down. And if it's nailed down we pry up the nails." - Verana (Katie) describing our looting techniques 2005-10-16
"You guys are fuckers." -Gryffon (Michael) 2005-10-16, after we're knocked him unconcious, tied him up, dragged him back to Cauldron, and confronted his fiance with his plan to ditch her (at which point she reveals that she is engaged to another man).
Alan, speaking on behalf of Aidan who is carrying an unconcious woman we've rescued: "'It's part of my loot!'" Michael: "I found her, I get to keep her." 2005-10-16
"Jeez, Michael, make an internally consistent world!"- Brian to the GM 2005-10-23
"She wenches by you." - the GM describing the process of a wench moving through a crowd 2005-10-23
Joe: "Look, I have a stomach, it has a potion in it." Katie: "We can drain the stomach acid." (A discussion of extracting a potion from a corpse) 2005-11-13
"You don't want to play footsie with me, I play to win." -Joe, wearing boots, to Alan. 2005-11-13
"I got a bunny mask!" - Rassi (Vivian) 2005-10-23
"And I'll miss you most of all, Mr. Scarecrow." - Joe 2005-10-23
"You can't just make up your name whenever you want, mister. 'I'm Skoodelboo Haskerdon.'" - Joe, after Lord Ankin Taskerhill introduced himself 2005-10-23
"We've been underground saving kids from slay-vers. Who arrrrre you?" - Rassi (Vivian) 2005-10-23
"Talk to him anyway, because we're looking for information, not sex for you." - Joe 2005-10-23
"Lord AssLaxative." - Brian 2005-10-23
"When I get third level spells, I'm going to walk around the bar and cast remove disease on all of the alcoholics." - Joe 2005-10-23
"Hi! Guess what James Everfrost did?" - Joe, suggesting a way to start a conversation with Imelie. 2005-10-23
"That's what you're gonna get for vandalism in this town!" - Alan, to a pile of dead goblins. 2005-10-23
Aidan (Joe): "Is he a vampire?" Murrd (Michael): "What's a vampire?" Aidan: "About five pounds." 2005-10-23
"An ornately decorated scroll that says, 'I memorized explosive runes today'" - GM 2005-11-06
Joe: "You gotta be careful when wife swapping to copy one of them to tmp." Jeff: "And mark her dirty?" 2005-11-06
"If I lay sideways, can I cast my spell sideways?" - JeffObarski (Kyrin) 2005-11-06
"You guys have silver weapons, right?" - Aidan (Joe) to the guards 2005-11-06
"The best way to kill a vampire is to stab it with a silver weapon. A lot." - Vedare the Librarian (GM) 2005-11-13
"You know what there is in this dungeon? Huge, unmined, untapped veins of hate." - GM 2005-11-13
"Dear great snack stained GM in the sky, please smite my players dead." - GM 2005-11-13
"I'm not a clown. I'm not filth." - Jeff 2005-11-13
"I don't sleep. I'm an elf, bitch." - Brian after a goblin attempts to cast sleep on the elf Maeglin 2005-11-13
"I have thirteen hit points. I taunt no one." - Alan 2005-11-13
"Personally I'm hoping they're ears on sticks." - Katie 2005-11-13
"We killed him twice for shits and giggles." - Kyrin (Jeff)2005-11-20
"Were they going to be dressed as little girls?!" - Aidan (Joe) 2005-11-20
"I'm meeting them in the valley, the valley so low." - Xoden (GM) 2005-11-20
"The Brass Strumpet?" - Jeff 2005-11-20
Kyrin (Jeff): "Should we file a report with the guard?" Aidan (Joe): "A missing fingers report?" 2005-11-20
"When playing with my grandson, please be careful. He's fragile." - Aidan's Grandfather Gerdan Ignatious MacPhestus (GM) 2005-11-20
Maeglin (Brian): "How much?" Tygot (GM): "Well, I could tell ya, but ya've got my Dragon Magazine." 2005-11-20
"If you're going to stop me every time I say something stupid, we're going to be here all night." - GM 2005-11-20
GM: "'Fine the battle is joined!' and she begins singing." All of the players begin laughing. 2005-11-20
"We searched them. Like in their orifaces." - Jeff 2005-11-20
"Her fine breasts are no protection from the magic missiles" - GM 2005-11-20
"This whole place is full of monkey butt clerics." - Jeff 2005-12-04
"Pigeons. They're like fortune cookies with wings." - Viv 2005-12-04
"We're going to quit, leave Cauldron, and roll around in our piles of money and whores." - Alan, upon realizing that the wands of water control are worth 168,000 gold pieces. 2005-12-04
"Jesse Decker and James Jacobs don't go around pointing out the plot holes in your lives." - GM (Jesse and James are two of the authors of The Shackled City) 2005-12-04
"This mace will self destruct in five seconds." - Joe and Jeff 2005-12-04
GM: You smell good. Joe: I just washed my hair. GM: What kind of shampoo do you use? 2005-12-04
Gm Fiat: Don't bounce your balls off the GM's wife's head. 2005-12-04
"You can kiss them if you want?" --Katie to the GM 2005-12-04
"'What do I hear?' 'You hear the door opening.'" - Alan correctly guessing what would happen to Verana as she listened at a door. 2005-12-11
Brian: "What's the difference between potions and elixirs?" Michael:"You're a slut!" 2005-12-11
Brian: "I need an assload of healing." Joe: "Well, I'm about to stuff a bunch of healing up your ass." 2005-12-11
"None of the flavor boards have flavor nails in them." - GM 2005-12-11
"I've never been so embarrassed since yesterday." - GM 2005-12-11
"I'm like a white hole. I keep most of my mass elsewhere." - GM 2005-12-11
"Later dudes! Have fun trying to stabilize!" - Joe 2005-12-18
"'She heals herself if reduced to less than 20.' Where's the part when she goes from 30 to negative 15?" - GM reading the module's notes on Triel. 2005-12-18
"Maeglin will wear it. Maeglin will wear anything." - Alan 2005-12-18
"You use two claws. Three claws for an allosaur." - Joe, on pantomiming Tyrannosaurus Rexes 2005-12-18
"Your sword slices through his heart like some sort of butter heart slicing apparatus." -GM describing Rassi's attack 2005-12-18
GM: "Maeglin, you're flanking with your sister." Brian: "Kick ass! Wait. Isn't that illegal?" 2006-01-15
"Like Baby's First Glyph of Warding" - Jeff, on the weak Glyph damage 2006-01-15
"I think geese is a stupid name. We should call them honkies." - Joe 2006-01-15
"Who's the leader? Is it Maeglin's Company? Is it Meg's Company?" - Jeff 2006-01-15
"Be quiet. Here, eat this rag." - Joe 2006-01-15
"We're going to Yoko the Stormblades." - Joe 2006-01-15
"We do not leave EP" - Brian objecting to Katie proposing ignoring the skittering room' 2006-01-15
"Can I abandon my party if I think they're stupid?" - Katie to Michael 2006-01-15
"Did he pee in the ethereal sea?" -Joe upon learning that a ghost is not cold but warm to touch 2006-01-22
Brian: "You are sending an 800 dollar present?" Jeff: "Well I can't chop it into pieces can I?" 2006-01-22
"I'm sorry. Maeglin's Explosive Farts is not a spell." - Alan 2006-01-22
"I feel like I am falling into your shirt." - Viv to Brian 2006-01-22
"Damn, his shirt is kinda mesmerizing." - Alan about Brian's shirt 2006-01-22
"Elves are so uncouth." - Joe 2006-01-22
Annah: "I've already got a date." Kyrin: "What's his name?" Joe, out of character: "And is he allergic to anything?" 2006-01-22
"Everyone has allergies to poison." - Brian 2006-01-22
"Can't you equally worship your god by breaking into people's houses and taking their stuff?" - Alan regarding Verana, worshipper of Olidammara. 2006-01-22
Shensen: "It's a little small." Rassi: "That's why I'm hoping you can embiggen it." 2006-01-22
Brian: "He's feeling moral qualms about buying the potion of roofie." Kyrin, out of character: "Which I'm not. I'd buy roofies in a second." 2006-01-22
Annah Taskerhill: "I would not be adverse to arriving together." Kyrin: "I would be honored to accompany you to the entrance to the Ball." 2006-01-22
"Is Swillmore an unrealistic optimistic, or does the volcanic lake actually have fish in it? Because that would be weird." - Alan via email 2006-01-27
"Don't forget some glue so we can seal shut the plot holes!" - Viv via email 2006-01-27
Rassi: "I hear the churches have to pay taxes." Asfelkir: "Yes. " Rassi: "What's up with that?" Asfelkir: "The churches have to pay taxes." 2006-01-29
Aidan: "Have you never noticed that Embril is..." Asfelkir: "Evil? Yes!" 2006-01-29
"It's like blaming a wildebeast for being completely inappropriate for me to mention." - Asfelkir 2006-01-29
"Okay, none of you can laugh." (beat) "Jared starts singing." - GM 2006-01-29
"KRAAAZZZZYY JAAARROOD'S ROD EMPORIUM! WITH PRICES THIS LOW, WE'D HAVE TO BE KRRRAAAZZZZYY!" - Viv via email 2006-02-01
"I'm going to spont cast healing using fireball. I've never done that before, so I'm going to stand thirty foot back." - Alan 2006-02-05
"You have given me a Bob Dole fist! You have Bob Doled my fist!" - GM 2006-02-05
"That's actually why I was late. I was washing some pants. They didn't dry, but than I found some pants." - Joe 2006-02-05
"Because blackface is always a good idea." - Alan, about the possibility of Maeglin and Verana disguising themselves as drow. 2006-02-05
"Summon Gracie, provides a dazzle affect on creatures." - Katie 2006-02-05
"Guys, don't make me kill you." - Michael squashing a discussion of water clocks, haversacks, and floating discs. 2006-02-05
"Ow! My hit points! I'm not supposed to get daggers in them!" -Joe 2006-02-12
"I will kill you all with the power of my mind! We've been over this before!" - GM 2006-02-12
"Somewhere on my computer I have a picture of Batgirl with a batleth." -Katie 2006-02-12
"I think the theme of this game is, 'look at these people who were so stupid they built their home in a volcano. Now save them because they're so dumb.'" - Jeff 2006-02-12
GM: "Can I lick you?" Jeff: "I lick everything, so go ahead." 2006-02-12
"I remember the answer to this question: you're a slut." - GM 2006-02-12
"If one more person makes a joke about RAID arrays, I'll take away their right-to-have-sex license." - GM 2006-02-12
"If you pinch the top, you get more range." - Joe 2006-02-12
"Can I pour the salt on them?" -Joe 2006-02-12
"Our princess is in another castle!" - Katie by email 2005-02-15
"We should burn all remants of their society and their stupid customs." - Joe 2006-02-19
"A wizard and a cleric walk into a bar. The wizard says 'Ouch!' and dies, because he's a wizard and only has four hit points." - GM 2006-02-19
"Every day hundreds of fireballs die due to malnutrition and neglect." - Jeff 2006-02-19
GM: "What feat did you take?" Brian: "None of your business!" 2006-02-19
"He just showed me his fourth level spells. We're going to win D&D." - Joe 2006-02-19
"That's a great plan, dumbass." - Alan 2006-02-19
"Just say, 'Thanks for not taking Shensen.'" - Jeff to Brian , on Kyrin's 22 Charisma. 2006-02-19
A town guard (GM): "Ummm, Drealec, right?" Maeglin (Brian): "Yeah." 2006-02-26
"You know where I'll be. We can worship the mighty cudgel." Jeff, suggesting dialogue for Jenya 2006-02-26
"Just hypothetically, does it bother you when I hold this lead sheet here?" - Alan 2006-02-26
"I always like hearing stories. I mean, true stories." - Jeff 2006-02-26
"We're gonna drag it out of you, even if it involves horses and butt plugs." Brian 2006-02-26
"It's like Bilbo Baggin's 111th birthday mixed in with porn." - Viv 2006-02-26
"I don't want to use the orphanage and the orphans as a militia." - Brian 2006-02-26
Viv: "How much would the blingiest, barbarianist, gnomist party evah be?" GM: "Ten platinum would be more than enough." 2006-02-26
"Where's the part of the module where they start fomenting a rebellion?" GM 2006-02-26
"Why do I feel like we just talked to Fox News?" Viv 2006-02-26
GM: "You've never been indian burned until you've been indian burned by a gnome." Jeff: "Who is raging. And enlarged." 2006-03-05
"I'm sensing motive the breakfast." - Jeff 2006-03-05
"As we enter the Morkoth, I'd like to acquire two urchins." - Brian 2006-03-05
"If she betrays us, we'll kill her lover in retaliation." - Alan, on Shensen and Maeglin 2006-03-05
Michael: "I was talking to someone else." Brian: "Who?! Everyone else at the table heard the plan." 2006-03-05
"You are led into torch lit darkness" -Michael reading boxtext 2006-03-12
"Why am I threatening self harm as a way to stop you from doing something I don't like?" -Michael to players 2006-03-12
Tarik: "Does anyone else realize we are going towards the Demonskar?" Everyone else: "Errr, yes." 2006-03-12
Joe: It's an herbivore. GM: It's gonna attack. Joe: It's an herbivore! 2006-03-12
"I always miss Growfest, that's why I'm a dwarf" -Joe 2006-03-12
"I'd like a fine tall glass of wink-wink." Joe 2006-03-12
"If you guys don't stop going on about the volcano, I'm going to stab myself in the eye! Why am I threating myself with harm? You are the worst people!" - GM 2006-03-12
"The next giant insect I see, I'm going to explain the cube-square law until it collapses under its own weight." - Joe 2006-03-12
Jeff: "Joe, what's a hadrasaur?" Joe: "About five pounds." 2006-03-12
Alan: "It radiates peace!" Everyone: "Kill it!" 2006-03-12
"We're in a fest? We're adventuring during a fest? I'm going home." - Joe 2006-02-12
Michael, discussing several ettins: "On the five bodies, you find-" Joe: "Ten hats!" 2006-03-19
"I can eject you from reality!" - GM 2006-03-19
"Can I make an elf roll? Knowledge: Elf?" - Brian 2006-03-19
"I'll be a junior god if we sleep." - Joe 2006-03-19
"I'll be the new leader. If he dies. Which I hope he doesn't." - Joe 2006-03-26
"My guess is you will appear in a nightmare of terror. And bleeding." - Joe 2006-03-26
"Your move equivalent action is that you fall." - GM 2006-03-26
"Alan, I'm not saying take his stuff and laugh - although I am." - Jeff 2006-03-26
"Bring Rassi Beer to redgorge - Red headed miner. Must bring quickly." - Kyrin's proposal for a sending to send to Meriam.
"They were the biggest most delicious ants ever. They had the replete caste with their abdomens swollen with honeydew and you'll never ever make it there." - Joe, proposing something to say to the anteater. 2006-03-26
"If Jenya ever tries to raise me from the dead and says, 'Tarik does not wish to return,' SHE LIES!" -- Alan 2006-05-07
"Where the dead lie dreaming... under the sea!" - GM, suggesting a The Little Mermaid/Call of Cthulhu crossover 2006-05-07
"Can we not talk about TomKat during the game, because - not allowed." - GM 2006-05-07
"If Tarik were a racing game, I would play him. Because he has missiles." - Joe 2006-05-07
"I remember vacationing in Cure Light Wounds, Mass., once." Joe 2006-05-07
Rassi: "What's a charity?" Aidan: "About five pounds." 2006-05-14
"Don't mess with her, she's a pirate!" - Rassi 2006-05-14
"Geek the mage!" - Brian 2006-05-14
Joe: "They had pictures and backstories and names." Brian: "They didn't get one round." Alan: "They were just EP for us." on the human and the tiefling in Daeren's Way 2006-05-14
Kaurophon: "Adimarchus has left a test behind." Joe: "And we're the testees?" 2006-05-14
"Isn't trusting the Proctor something of a gamble?" - Joe 2006-05-14
"You cure long term STDs by taking a level of paladin." - Brian 2006-05-14
"I love you babe." -GM, to his wife in a demonic voice 2006-05-14
"The fate of the nation is on your shoulders. Not to put you under any pressure." --Jeff, to Brian 2006-05-21
"We are all in a huge love pile." - Jeff 2006-05-21
"Iuz had to do a fucking full round, and he's a god." - Jeff on how long summoning as a supernatural ability takes 2006-05-21
"When smoke starts pouring out of the oven, stop ten minutes earlier." - Alan on how to tell when cookies are done 2006-05-21
"Sharn: City of Towels?" - Brian, misreading a book title. 2006-05-21
"Everyone remember what your favorite color is and don't change your mind when he asks you." - Joe, on meeting the Proctor 2006-05-21
"We're all trying to get to the other end of the board so we can become queens." - Joe 2006-05-21
"I'm a pedantic fuck." - Jeff 2006-05-21
Jeff: "She was rounding up." Alan: "To the nearest three minutes?" 2006-05-25
"You're a hypotenuse." - GM 2006-05-25
Alan: "Can I put feathers on my wand of magic missiles so I can fire it from my crossbow and all the missiles go off at once?" GM: "No." 2006-05-25
"If it's statted, we must kill it." - Jeff 2006-05-25
"We can make our walls of stone fight." - Joe 2006-05-25
"What if your stuff gets stolen? And you don't?" - Brian 2006-05-25
"Call his name and he will be there. Just like Jem." - Jeff 2006-06-11
"His skirt better not be too short, or we'll all see his pom-poms." - Alan 2006-06-11
"Kaurophon steps forward and says Alan sucks penis and we should probably throw him out." - GM 2006-06-11
"I always suspected that was a toupee" - Alan 2006-06-11
"No EP left behind, that's our new policy." - Jeff 2006-06-11
Joe: "Are you correcting a lich?" Alan: "Yes." Joe: "I'm in charge now." 2006-06-11
"Oh, and Kyrin is preserved. Like Walt Disney. But not just his head; his whole body." - Joe 2006-07-02
"Do they have psalms like 'Blessed are the head-crackers?'" - Alan 2006-07-02
GM: "The place has gone dark." Joe: "Except for the eternal flame." 2006-07-02
"It was exchanged in a hostage exchange for a noun that was verbed." - Joe 2006-07-02
"We may have to update our paperwork with the city." - Kyrin, on adding Gadrey and Shensen to the party. 2006-07-09
"To be honest—and I guess I do..." - cleric of Vecna under the influence of zone of truth 2006-07-09.
"We're playing Jenga with Jenya?" -Viv 2006-07-16
"Yes, we only have one problem. That problem happens to include Vhalentru, the temple of Wee Jas, an army of half-orcs, and a demon prince. But just one problem." - Alan 2006-07-16
"I'm naming the holy sword Stabby." -Viv 2006-08-06
GM: "Behind the curtain you find-" Jeff: "A small burned man." - 2006-08-06
"We can enchant it with fire and use it as a griddle. When it's ready, ding, it's done." - Erich, on uses for an altar with an antimagic field on it that can be toggled on and off. 2006-08-06
"You know what you should legend lore for? What spells are in your book." - Erich to Alan after Tarik almost bought a scroll of legend lore
"I hate giant streetwalkers" - Joe 2006-08-06
"You don't know pain until you've had four-foot gonorrhea." - Joe 2006-08-06
"Dear Meerthan, Summer camp is fun. Today we played with the Wee Jas camp kids. They were kinda mean. So we killed `em. Love, Tarik." Alan 2006-08-06
"I'm gonna wise the crap out of something." - Joe on increasing Aidan's wisdom to 24.
"How about sacrificing a librarian?" - Kyrin suggesting a "shortcut" to enchanting Rassi's sword. 2006-08-20
"That dust you're blowing off? It's page 238." - Alan 2006-08-20
"No, like South Beloit and Beloit." - Viv, explaining how a gate town works. 2006-08-20
"It's a very precise lobotomy, so he can still make snow-cones." - Jeff 2006-08-20
"They're dark skinned, obviously evil- I mean, nothing." - Aidan 2006-08-20
"Mammals are hard of hearing. You really should use holes in the side of your skull." - black lizardman 2006-08-20
"Fuck your external genitalia." - GM
"In case of danger, we can plane shift to Occipitus" - Aidan 2006-08-20
"There's a fireball coming! Quick, hide in the knives!" - Alan, on discovering that blade barrier provides a save on reflex saves. 2006-08-20
"Is there anything this black dragon didn't bang?" - Alan 2006-08-20
Michael: "Then you wildshape the wildshape to wildshape the wildshaper. Wildshape?" Erich: "Squirtle!" email exchange 2006-08-27
"He blocks out the sun, which makes me feel safe." - Joe 2006-08-27
"We're going to meet that avoral guardian again, and he's going to say, 'A couple of monkeys came into my realm the other day, and one was in pain, and the other was really sad. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?'" - Joe 2006-08-27
"You need a bath! And give us all your stuff!" - Viv 2006-08-27
GM: "With Gadrey it's his axe or his wang." Erich: "I don't think I have proficency in that." Alan: "I think it's a simple weapon." 2006-08-27
"The plane of dimness? The plane of inadequete light? The plane of track lighting that somehow fails to illuminate anything?" - Erich 2006-09-03
"I'll describe Jenya in the shower for free." - GM 2006-09-03
"I stick my rod in his mouth." - Jeff 2006-09-03
Viv: "What did you do with the Soul Pillars?" Joe: "We opened a gyro palace." 2006-09-03
"I'm down to 144. He took a lot out of me." - Viv 2006-09-03
Fetor: "It is quite disturbing to use the pillars" Joe: "It is exactly like the internet". - 2006-09-10
"Where can you see lions? Only in Jenya!" GM and Viv 2006-09-10
GM: "Unfortunately donkeys don't have a burrow speed." Erich: "We could think of them as burros." 2006-09-10
Joe: "There's no word of neutrality." Viv: "Meh." 2006-09-10
"Somantic component: Ma boot!" - Joe 2006-09-10
"What he meant by that was, he killed everyone with his fists." - GM 2006-09-10
"Could you craft a simulacrum, cut its head off, and graft it to your head?" - Erich, suggesting how Tarik could wear two magical amulets at once. 2006-09-17
"Can't people see me for the sweet person I am, and not the crotch head-butter?" - Viv 2006-09-17
"Man, touch attacks from priests of Kord have to be brutal." - Erich 2006-09-17
GM: "It's raining, and you pull your cloaks tighter around you." Joe: "We pull our tights cloaker around us." Jeff: "I do have tights made out of a cloaker." Joe: "I have a darkmantle on my mantle." - 2006-09-17
"We give them to an urchin, then teleport him hundreds of feet into the air." - Joe's suggestion on distributing fliers to a crowd. 2006-09-17
"I killed the first orc! I win!" - Joe 2006-09-24
Joe: "Sudden Widen is useful in the sack." Viv: "Sudden Enlarge?" Jeff: "Sudden Lengthen?" Viv: "Sudden Maximize?" 2006-09-24
"I'm going to write a word on a piece of paper. If you think my saying it would strike you blind, stay outside." - Joe 2006-10-01
"A cape of the mountain bike. When you arrive somewhere you don't have to lock it up, just *foof* and it turns into a nice light cape." Joe 2006-10-01
"People are like elephants, Tarik. Some of them are just jerks." - Joe 2006-10-01
"Disclaimer: Not responsible for things destroyed, killed, gutted, injured, set fire to or drunk in a fit of stupidity." -Viv by email as part of a flyer advertising the skills of Tarik's Company email from 2006-10-04
Erich: "Do you expect things to go pear shaped once we're in there?" Mirthan: "Yes." 2006-10-07
"Servant, come here. Orc, come here. Orc, put out the fire with the servant." - Erich 2006-10-07
"Take that cold based weapons that don't make quite so good light sources." - Alan 2006-10-07
"What should my duergar's name be? Killdozer." - Joe 2006-10-07
"Can I stick my staff in Aidan's haversack?" - Alan 2006-10-07
"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What's with the eye?" - Joe 2006-10-07
"Cauldron has always been at war with Kaurophon." - Erich 2006-10-07
"I want a nightmare descent of booze and pills." - Jeff 2006-10-15
"I wanna be Asfelkir when I grow up, just not the half-orc part." - Viv 2006-10-15
"You should take ranks in schmooze Jenya" - Erich 2006-10-15
"Would you like some tea- Gaze Attack!" - Alan 2006-10-15
"If I multiply the power attack, leap attack damage, it's 228 plus 3d12 damage." - Erich 2006-10-15
"Why is his fountain behind his secret door? Who puts a fountain behind a secret door?" - GM 2006-10-15
"Your magical man-bolts, unlike someone's magical... semen... fly across the room slaying him." -GM 2006-10-15
"Aidan! Aidan! Tall people talking now!" - The GM, as Jenya 2006-10-29
"Look at me, Jenya! I'm Vhalantru! I'm the maaaaayor!" - Aidan, using the Vhalantru suit as a puppet. 2006-10-29
"Elminster and the, you know, the orc, really like each other." - GM 2006-10-29
"For NaNoWriMo I want to write some Elminster/orc slash fiction" - GM 2006-10-29
"Vhalantru's a beholder! Mrph mrph! Tongue bath!" - Viv 2006-10-29
"Oh, Gadrey, don't take the diamond butt plug out, or your soul will escape." - Joe 2006-10-29
"Ew, he used a brain as an f-stop." - GM 2006-11-05
Filia: "Have you had your evening dinner?" Aidan: "No." Jeff: "Would you like to have me?" - 2006-11-05
"If you've ever read a Marvel comic book, you know Doc Oct or the Green Goblin will attack us during the wedding." - Joe 2006-11-05
Jenya: "I have great news to share!" Joe: "Sneak attack!" - 2006-11-05
"Do you, Rassi, take this Sneak Attack?" - Joe 2006-11-05
"The volcano says, 'Sneak attack.'" - Joe 2006-11-05
"Yes, the message is 'squeak, boom!'" - GM 2006-11-05
"It's like the Mile High Club, it's something you can say you've done. 'I had sex five hundred times in one night.'" - Joe 2006-11-12
"Don't worry, she's wearing a snorkle." - Jeff 2006-11-12
Joe: "Why is a demi-lich more powerful than a lich?" Jeff: "It's like a demi-bra." - 2006-11-12
"Annah was terrible! I slept with her once and had to cast remove disease four times! I should only have to cast it once!" - Gerdan (sorta) 2006-11-12
"The Lord Short Mayor has declared it No Pants Day." - GM 2006-11-12
"As mayor his first edict would be we're moving out of town." - Alan 2006-11-12
"Contingency: lose election." - Erich 2006-11-12
"For this election we should enforce the rule, you get one vote for every evil outsider you've killed." - Joe 2006-11-12
GM: "Foloni has been barding the fuck out of the jungle." Jeff: "And Rassifina." - 2006-11-12
"You don't get XP for that! If you did, Rassi's been grinding way more than you!" - GM 2006-11-12
"All knowing is a lot better than sleeping in Tarik's spare bedroom." - Katie 2006-11-12
Joe: "As the spirital leader of this party, I demand gnomish children." Viv: "Go down to the lake and get one!" - 2006-11-12
"Let's go to, um, an alley!" - Foloni 2006-11-19
Alan: "So if I've got a simulacrum that I'm telepathically linked to..." GM: "NOOOOOO!" - 2006-11-19
"This is much worse than the time they crashed the plane of chocolate into the plane of peanut butter." - Joe 2006-11-26
"At least someone like you is getting some." - Jeff regarding Kirat 2006-12-03
"Keep your hoard warm for us." - Alan 2006-12-03
Katie: "That's what stone shape is for!" Alan: "Please do not stone shape a wang onto Spellmason." - 2006-12-03
"Careful he doesn't cast prismatic yawn." - Joe 2006-12-03
"Aw, I was about to reduce our staffing needs!" - Jeff 2006-12-26
"I think you're thinking of hentai," - GM 2007-01-07
"He has to spend an action to close his rectum." - Joe 2007-01-07
"Thus increasing the ambient light level? You two. See me after class." - GM after Katie and Jeff pointed out that darkness radiates "shadowy illumination." 2007-01-07
"I do not want to be in your birthing room. I would love to see your child after it has been clothed, swaddled, and de-mucusified." - GM 2007-01-07
GM: "They're lit by wee niches." Erich: "Hi, everybody!" - 2007-01-14
"Rassi's Precision Demonic Circumcisions." - Alan 2007-01-14
Joe: "Oak woody?" Alan: "Alakast?! The most powerful artifact in the region?!" Katie: "It's not that powerful." Alan: "It's kinda a crappy region." - 2007-01-14
"Alakast sucks. I'm giving you that one for free." - Erich as the Star of Justice 2007-01-14
"If you stone to flesh a statue wearing clothes, do you get a wang?" - Alan 2007-01-21
"Um, hi! We're in your lair! Killing your manz!" - Alan 2007-01-21
"Musta been net neutrality. Blew up your internets." - Joe 2007-01-21
"I don't want my life to be a teen sex comedy!" - Alan 2007-01-21
Erich: "What flavor is Tarik's brain?" Joe: "Blue!" - 2007-01-21
"Are you one of the eleven?" - Joe 2007-01-21
"That may be him. Same muppet hands, same Dark Crystal look." - Jeff 2007-01-28
"If he didn't explode into tiny, tiny, tiny pieces, he didn't take as much damage as I wanted him to." - Katie 2007-01-28
"I am not a therapist. I'm a guy who hits stuff with axes." - Erich 2007-01-28
"I lived a good life. And I'm made of iron." - Joe 2007-01-28
Michael: "He doesn't have an adamantine longsword." Joe: "He could be wielding Gadrey." - 2007-01-28
"Oh, my specific deity I worship!" - GM 2007-01-28
"I'll drink lots of beer, then make a jump check back to Cauldron in a single leap." - Erich 2007-01-28
"We killed everything bad, ever." - part of Aidan's sending to his grandfather 2007-01-28
"You were which now? I was stuck on wireless vibrators." - Jeff 2007-02-04
Joe: "It's not a rod of vitality." Viv: "More a rod of haste." - 2007-02-04
"My simulacrum would have to be Nadia." - Joe 2007-02-04
"Look to your left, and to your right, and in six other directions. Everyone you see will not graduate. ... Quickened cloudkill!" - Joe, suggestion for Kyrin's speech to the Academy 2007-02-04
GM: "So, what are their names?" Alan: "Crotchgrabber and Buzztits." - on Tarik's parents names, after Beatrice and Harold were rejected 2007-02-04.
"Killed? That's wonderful. I mean, that's not wonderful at all. I thought you said cromoted." -GM 2007-02-04
"For dessert we typically do shots of poison." - Alan, regarding Tarik's parents after Aidan summoned a heroes' feast 2007-02-04
"Come on, they live in Greyhawk. They probably milk kobolds or owlbears or something" - Joe 2007-02-04
"You take Tarik, and Kirat, and metamorphosed Shensen, and put giant stone dome over them and shuffle them quickly, then lift them to reveal their mangled corpses." - GM 2007-02-04
"Swing with your axe. If she survives, she's probably not a real old-lady." - Jeff 2007-02-04
"I could give a speech on parallel development in software development. That's the speech I've been preparing." - Joe 2007-02-11
"It's really fun to be in Cauldron and I hope the volcano doesn't erupt." - Viv 2007-02-11
"Let's put it this way. If you marry Kyrin today, tomorrow you'd either be an orphan or a widow." - Alan, regarding Annah 2007-02-11
"Dearie, I think you could have tarted yourself up a bit more. It would have been great if the city could have seen a bit more leg." - Auntie Lindo to Shensen 2007-02-11
"If I have a moral quantry, I ask my god, and she says, 'It's okay, it's okay, baby.'" - Joe 2007-02-18
Lord Taskerhill: "Two on one, then?" Kyrin: "It's only fair." - 2007-02-18
"You have limited air. Don't waste it." - Erich, proposing a written message to show to the forcecage trapped Lord Taskerhill 2007-02-18
"I expected them to die like dogs, and they died like horses." - Joe 2007-02-18
"You don't play bards for the power, you play bards for the blouses." - Jeff 2007-02-18
"Jenya, we just saw some serious shit. What do you know?" - Auntie Lindo 2007-02-18
Jeff: "They're teenage goth kids?" Erich: "We're going to the other Denny's." - 2007-02-18
"Sorry son, it's a well known fact in our culture that dwarves are harlots." - Auntie Lindo 2007-02-18
"We need to start a new business called Rescrafters. Your resurrection in about an hour." - Erich 2007-02-18
"I like to spend the entire afternoon raged. I find I can get a lot done that way." - Alan, on Rassi 2007-04-01
Viv: "I hit!" GM: "You swing Eriss around, lopping off his leg and he drops." Viv: "I wanted to do the addition!" - 2007-04-01
"So, Zach... what the hell!?" - Aidan 2007-04-01
"Did you just confuse toddlers running by with enthusiastic gay sex?" - GM 2007-04-01
"You can't spell Lolth, without L O L." - Joe 2007-04-01
Aidan: "And I'll buy you a horse." Zachary: "You'll buy me a horse?" Aidan: "Not a good one." - 2007-04-01
GM: "So you need eight size large figs and five size huge?" Joe: "Yes, please!" - on Aidan casting elemental swarm 2007-04-01
"'Okayed it' would not be a phrase I'd use to describe anything Brian ever did in a campaign that I ran." - GM 2007-04-01
"In as much as slaves are similar to beer, slaves born to slaves are free. It's like finding a fresh, cold keg in your couch, only evil." - Erich by email, explaining what Jeff meant by "Slaves born to slaves are free." 2007-04-05
"Hello, Mr. Dragon. I have a message for you. It says, 'Your mom is dumb, and enjoy the snack.' I don't know what it means about the snack." - GM 2007-04-15
"Confidentially, I've been getting complaints about the purple nurple greating." - Auntie Lindo 2007-04-15
Aidan: "We have reason to believe that your husband's new wife turned you to stone." Mabel Aslaxin: "Um, what?" - 2007-04-15
GM: "There are many ideas brought up during the meeting." Jeff: "And I win. Or I cloudkill them." - 2007-04-15
"Dear Diary, This week my players wrote Mary Sue stories about me and my wife's parent's dog. It was weird. I had some popcorn and went to bed. The end." - Michael 2007-04-15 (the stories)
"I will lick you!" - Michael 2007-04-18
Erich: "Everyone line up to get bit." Jeff: "I'll turn into a yuan-ti?" Erich: "No, you'll just have snake on your arms." - 2007-05-06
GM: "Alan, please play with your men" Alan: "Wheee! Wheee!" - 2007-05-06
GM: "A guy, kinda scaly, is -" Jeff: "Like Skip Williams?" - 2007-05-06
"When Skip Williams comes up to you at Gen Con and punches you in the gut, you'll know why." - Alan 2007-05-06
"We better fight these snake creatures, or you've just have been a giant yuan-tease." - Alan 2007-05-06
Joe: "Can you talk as a will o the wisp?" Katie: "Yes." Joe: "What do you sound like?" Alan: "Yes. Yes. Yes. No." - 2007-05-06
"I always move like I have a snake in my trousers because I do." - GM 2007-05-06
"Your job is to pick up Shensen and rub her against the walls." - Alan 2007-05-13
"You could say they believe in urning your magic items." - Joe 2007-05-13
Joe: "These are artifacts, religious artificacts." Viv: "Thank you, Indiana Jones." Erich: "It belongs in a pawn shop!" - 2007-05-13
"'I disbelieve the pillars.' 'The dungeon collapses. They were load-bearing illusions.'" - Erich 2007-05-13
Jeff: "You can't tumble and fly." Viv: "Sure you can, look at Cirque du Soliel." - 2007-05-20
"As we are sitting here, Katherine's hair is crawling up into our pants!" - GM 2007-05-27
Jenya (GM): "This brings me to this other piece of paper I've been meaning to ask about-" Joe: "The word jumble?" - 2007-05-27
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Not For the Front Page Quotes
Quotes in the following list won't appear at random on the front page. This includes quotes that probably aren't funny unless you were there and quotes that might not be a good first impression on a new visitor.
"I have to look it up, cuz you guys are dick suckers." - Michael 2005-09-11
Michael: "You guys can all suck my penis." Katie: "Uh, no." 2005-09-18
"Suck my giant, hot penis" - Michael (GM) 2005-09-18
"Ah, you're a jerk. Shut up." - Michael to Alan 2005-10-02
"I'm gonna put my penis somewhere, and then you're not gonna like it!" - Michael to Alan 2005-10-02
"Go away, dickburger." - Michael 2005-10-09
Katie: "It's a fifty foot silk rope that turns hard as stone when you say the command word." Michael: "That's just like my penis." 2005-10-09
"Aah! My nipples!" - Michael 2005-10-09
"I am on Dayquil, I can say whatever the fuck I want, unicorn-humper." - Michael 2005-10-16
"There's been so much licking!" - GM 2005-10-16
"A blue whale?" - 20Q trying to guess Michael's Jubbly Jubblies 2005-12-11
GM: "The passage bends south." Joe: "Like my dick." 2005-12-11
"I just had this great image of bouncy breasts." - GM 2005-12-18
Jeff: "Cuz I don't shave, 'cuz I'm not one of those people." GM: "I recommend it." On shaving one's butt. 2005-12-18
"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening; we're holding actions until we're all homo?" - Alan 2006-01-15
"The tapestries are as hung as I am." - GM 2006-01-22
"Verana could use the wand of cure light on his dick." - Joe to Alan 2006-01-22
"There are many things wrong with you fuckers." - GM complaining about the brilliance of his players 2006-02-19
"I think the problem is that your face has homosexual tendencies." - Joe on Maeglin 2006-02-26
"No one is allowed to cram anything in my husband's ass except for me." - Viv 2006-03-12
Brian: "Do you molest it at night?" GM: "Yes, Brian, I have sex with a sippy cup." 2006-03-19
"Brian, why are you masterbating your battery?" - Alan 2006-03-19
"Be sure to replace them, or I will fist you vigorously." - GM 2006-03-19
"No! Fuck the vagina! The problem here is that you don't add holes to things that already have problems with diseases!" - Brian 2006-05-14
"Balls are funny." - Alan 2006-05-14
"This section is climaxed. The used condom is on the floor." GM 2006-05-14
"You're talking about a giant penis! It's hard. It's hard! It's turgid!" - GM 2006-07-02
Erich: "I have the fastest pants in the west!" GM: "It's a free action to drop an item." - 2006-10-01
"Gadrey, don't take the diamond buttplug out or your soul will drain out." - Aidan 2006-10-29